


Goddamit, Mickey.

by babykpats



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bipolar Disorder, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-21
Updated: 2015-06-21
Packaged: 2018-03-25 01:46:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3792013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babykpats/pseuds/babykpats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Mickey had bipolar disorder instead?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Everything is pretty much canon compliant until the part where Ian leaves to enlist in the army.

Mickey kept his eyes closed.

He had a vague idea where he was but he wasn’t sure.

He didn’t know what was happening to him. His brain wanted his body to move but it felt like the two were having a war and Mickey was to remain numb until one emerged the victor.

He didn't want to move.

Like he just wanted to stay there forever.

Maybe he could.

He was lying down on his side facing a brick wall. The cold concrete ground was cold against his skin, soothing, somewhat.

He thinks he likes it here.

No one can hurt him here.

Mickey closed his eyes against the tears silently falling from his eyes.

Yup. He’ll probably stay here until he dies.

~

Ian got up from their dining table where he was having breakfast.

The kids just left for school and Fiona was off to work. Ever since enlisting himself in the army, he’s been enjoying these little pockets of silence every time he gets the chance.

His homecoming definitely wasn’t the best but hey, it could only get better, right?

Ian opened the door to find a frantic Mandy on his porch.

“Mandy? You okay?”

Mandy shook her head, barely keeping herself together. “Mickey is missing.”

“What?”

~

Someone’s touching him.

Mickey wanted to yell. To punch the man who had the audacity to encroach into his bubble.

GO AWAY!

But no sound came out from his mouth.

Mickey heard the quiet rumble of the man’s voice but he couldn’t decipher the actual words.

Rumble, rumble, rumble.

That was all Mickey heard.

He felt someone touch his wrist and his neck.

More rumbles.

Mickey closed his eyes silently telling the man to go away, to leave him alone.

But luck was never on Mickey’s side.

Mickey then felt himself being lifted off the ground and carried away.

~

“When was the last time you saw him?” Ian asked. There was a small seed of frantic worry growing in his heart but he’s doing his best to squash it with false comforting thoughts.

Mickey is alright.

He’s probably just wandering around town selling drugs and found a good spot, too good to leave behind. He’ll be back when he needs to restock his merchandise.

Mickey’s okay.

“About two weeks ago. I tried calling his phone.” Mandy sniffled.

“Did he pick up?”

Mandy nodded. “He told me to go away and it sounded like he smashed his phone against something.”

Ian felt a knot in his gut. Two weeks ago was when Ian ended things with Mickey.

It’s not like he didn’t see it coming, right? Ian enlisted in the army and left Mickey behind. Which part of that gave Mickey the clue that they’d still be together once Ian got back?

A few days after Ian got home, he found Mickey walking into the house.

One look at Mickey brought back a huge wave of emotions. Good and bad.

He loved Mickey, he truly did. But during those years in the army, he’s apparently gotten over his masochistic streak.

He’s grown tired of loving someone who could never love him back.

So he ended it.

“What was he like before he disappeared?” Ian asked scratching the back of his head. The small seed of frantic worry is starting to grow inside him, sprouting little leaves of guilt.

“He seemed great, he really did. He was up really early, talking about fixing his life. He started talking this shit about starting a business with Iggy and Collin and all the other Milkoviches he could round up. He’d cook breakfast laugh a lot. He was better than I’d ever seen him before.”

Ian felt the irrational sting of hearing about how well Mickey took the breakup. “And then?”

“Then one day, I woke up and there wasn’t any breakfast. I figured that Mickey just got lazy so I went into his room and commented about his lazy ass and he fucking flipped. He was crying Ian, I’ve never seen him fucking crying before. I got scared. He kept yelling about shit I don’t even understand. He said the world wasn’t right that he didn’t fit and all that other crap. I fell asleep in his room and when I woke up, he was gone.”

“Shit.”

~

The room was too bright.

Mickey didn’t understand where he was. The tiny voice of sanity in his head told him that that should worry him, but majority of him didn’t give a shit.

Wherever it was, the room smelled like disinfectant.

He heard the rumbling of another person’s voice but it was different from the first rumbles. This one was higher, from a girl.

Rumble, rumble, hand on his arm, rumble rumble, hand on his forehead.

“FUCK OFF!” Mickey yelled.

The rumbling went away.

Mickey kept still until the brightness was gone.

Then ge got up, and started walking.

~

The seed of worry inside Ian has now grown into a big ass tree.

Ian and Mandy have gone to all the usual spots they’d find Mickey in but all to no avail.

Suddenly, Mandy’s phone rang. It was an unknown number.

“Hello?”

“This Mandy?”

“Who the fuck are you?”

The man chuckled. “Yep. Definitely Mickey’s sister.”

“Mickey?”

“Your fucking brother hasn’t been showing up for work for fucking weeks and shows up one night to steal our fucking drinks. Tell him he needs to get his fucking ass in here and work off what he stole or I’m giving his job to a more willing asshole.”

Mandy wasn’t sure if this guy accidentally dialed the wrong number or some shit but they had nothing else to go on. “Where did you say you were calling from again?”

“Fairy Tale, Boystown.”

“Fuck.” Mandy ended the call and turned to Ian.

~

Mickey kept walking.

His heart started pumping faster and faster.

The wind was doing something to him.

He was free.

No one was holding him back. He could literally go anywhere he wants!

The newfound sense of freedom was refreshing and Mickey felt his clouded eyes start to clear up. His steps moved faster and faster until he broke into a run.

He could be anywhere he wants and right now, Mickey wants to be everywhere at once.

So, he runs.

~

Ian and Mandy walked into the Fairy Tale and Ian immediately knew there was something incredibly wrong with Mickey.

The Mickey he knew would never set foot in a place like this.

Granted, it has been a couple of years since he’s last seen the Mickey he knew but that still had to count for something right?

Ian held Mandy’s hand in his and led the way towards the bar. He looked at the men in sequined tank tops and black short shorts with more eyeliner than Mandy had on her face and winced.

“Hey!” Ian yelled, waving his hand to get the bartender’s attention, and get their attention, he did.

“Hey sugar. What do you want tonight?” A dark-skinned bartender seemed like he was going through an imaginary list of sensual poses, gauging Ian’s reaction.

The more he looked at his surroundings, the more Ian’s concern for Mickey grew. Something was definitely, fucking, hella wrong with Mickey if he thought working here was a good idea.

All this uncertainty about Mickey’s wellbeing were resurfacing all the feelings he had for Mickey and right now, Ian would give anything to just somehow know that Mickey was okay.

“You know Mickey Milkovich? He used to work here?” Ian asked the bartender.

The bartender’s face fell. “Oh. Ukranian’s more your type, huh? I was hoping you were in the mood for some dark chocolate tonight?”

Ian sighed. “When did you last see Mickey here?”

The bartender looked annoyed. “Look, honey. I know firsthand that that pale ass isn’t worth your time of day so let’s just skip the appetizer and move onto the main course.” He said gesturing down to himself.

Ian saw red, blood red. He didn’t like what this asshole was implying and he didn’t like the visual image that he got.

It was late in the afternoon and the club was still pretty empty so no one noticed it when Ian punched the bartender across the face. Then, he yanked the neckline of the man’s shirt and sent a few of the sequins flying to the ground. “I wanna know where the fuck Mickey fucking Milkovich is.”

“Jeez. Okay okay! Shit. Fucking relax! He was here last night drinking his weight in alcohol.”

“Damn it, Mickey. Where’d he go?”

“Left through the back.” The bartender answered, rubbing his assaulted cheek.

Ian turned back towards Mandy who seemed to be shrinking smaller and smaller as their conversation progressed.

Ian gave her what he hoped was a reassuring smile and led the way towards the back door.

~

Mickey felt happy.

No, happy wasn’t even enough to describe what he was feeling. He was fucking ecstatic!

He found an abandoned building and he made friends!

Mickey couldn’t stop smiling.

He’s never had friends before.

Mandy didn’t count.

Neither did Ian.

But now he had Mindy, the old naked woman with a stuffed parrot, and he had Fred, the brown haired guy with a beard and two teeth missing, and Max, the girl who never said anything.

Mickey belonged here.

He started moving some of the things he had in his area. _His_ area! He had an area.

This was Mickey’s space.

Mickey grinned.

Fred said that Brandon, the man who used to live there, disappeared for weeks now and Fred said he could have this spot all for ten bucks a day.

Mickey smiled to himself once again and started leaving his building.

Time to look for some money.

~

Mandy and Ian scrunched their noses when they walked out of the club and into a small alley.

“You sure Mickey was here?” Mandy asked looking around.

“That’s what the guy in there said.”

“Are you sure he’s telling the truth?”

“You looking for someone?” a man asked suddenly appearing from inside the dumpster.

Ian frowned. “Yeah. I’m looking for a man-”

“Short guy, dark hair, pale skin, really blue eyes?”

“Mickey.” Ian whispered, waves of relief washing over him.

“Yes!” Mandy answered loudly, squeezing Ian’s hand. “Where is he?”

“He was laying on the floor right there last night, I brought him to the hospital.” The man answered.

Ian immediately started pulling Mandy towards the general direction of the hospital.

Before the exited the alley completely, Mandy turned back to the man. “Thanks. But what the fuck are you doing inside the dumpster?”

“Dumpster diving.” The man shrugged like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Before she could form a proper response, he was pulled away by the his brother’s army soldier ex-boyfriend.

~

Mickey frowned. He had no idea why nobody was offering him a job.

I mean granted, he left the hospital in a hurry so he was still  in the gown they put him in but what kind of establishment judges their applicants based on what they were wearing?

Mickey walked towards a Laundromat and he got the most brilliant idea.

Grinning, he walked in.

The man behind the counter was looking at him. “Can I help you?” He asked, unsure.

“You got any clothes I can have?”

“I’m sorry but I can’t just hand out clothes.”

Mickey frowned at the minor setback and turned around to leave. But when he turned back around to the man behind the counter, he saw the way he was eyeing Mickey’s ass.

His butt was completely visible from the back of the hospital gown. Mickey smiled once again, he had an idea.

“What if I pay you for the clothes?” Mickey leaned over the counter.

“How much?” the man asked nervously gulping from the sheer proximity of Mickey’s face to his.

“Let me give you a clue.” Mickey said, slowly walking around the counter, towards the back. “I ain’t got no money.”

~

“He’s about this tall with really dark hair and really white skin.” Ian was frantically describing Mickey to the nurse on duty.

“Yes. He was admitted last night to the psych ward.”

“Oh thank god. Can we see him? Is he okay?” Ian was looking around the waiting area, as if Mickey would just pop out of nowhere and say hello.

“I’m afraid he’s gone.”

“WHAT?” Ian and Mandy yelled.

“I don’t mean gone _gone._ I mean he just walked away last night.”

Ian wanted to scream. What kind of fucking hospital didn’t keep a 24-hour watch on their patients? But in reality, Ian understood. No one wanted to take care of a broke Southside thug. They probably were relieved to see him go.

Ian sighed in defeat and turned around to leave.

“Wait.” The nurse called after them.

They walked back, too defeated to hope for any good news.

“Before he left, we got the results from his psychological evaluation.” She said.

“And?” Mandy asked impatiently.

“Severe bipolar disorder.”

“Fuck.”


	2. Chapter 2

Ian wrapped his arms tighter around his body. It was the middle of the night and Mandy has already gone home.

Mickey has been gone for a month already and Ian can’t take it anymore.

Aside from the fact that he felt responsible for Mickey’s disappearance, he was also incredibly worried that something bad might’ve happened.

Ian was done making his usual rounds.

He’s checked Boystown, the abandoned buildings, under the L and the hospital. No Mickey.

Ian sighed.

You know that thing that happens when someone dies and you suddenly forget all the bad shit that that person did? The thing that happens in your brain where, suddenly, all you can remember from that person was all the good shit he did and all the good times you had?

Yeah, that thing. That thing was happening inside Ian’s brain.

All Ian can remember are those days where Mickey would look at Ian like he was responsible for the sun rising. All those times where, even in complete silence, he’d feel so happy just being with Mickey. Every touch and smile and every fucking cigarette (or joint) they shared was all coming back to Ian.

And right now, Ian is praying to whoever the fuck was up there, for Ian to be able to do these things again with Mickey.

~

Ian lightly slapped his cheek with his hand.

If it was possible to slowly fall asleep while walking, then that was what was happening with Ian.

He’s been to the Kash & Grab, to the park and everywhere else he and Mickey used to hang out. As a last ditch effort, Ian was heading to the baseball field. If anything, he could take a rest in the dugout before figuring out where to check next.

While Ian was approaching the baseball field, he saw a black lump of a man laying down right on the other side of the fence.

Ian smirked. They need to build higher fences to be keeping these hobos out of the field.

He walked on over to the dugout to check if Mickey found his way there and, to be honest, he was unsurprised to find it empty.

Ian sighed and turned back to the figure lying down against the chain link fence.

The figure moaned softly.

Ian frowned and quickly walked to the man. “Goddamit Mickey.”

Ian carefully lifted Mickey and pulled him to the dugout.

“Mick, you good?” Ian carefully sat Mickey up on the bench. He looked bad. He was thinner and paler and the bags under his eyes were so freakin’ dark.

“Ouch.” Mickey whispered.

“Ouch? Where?” Ian looked over Mickey’s body and saw a long cut on his calf. “Shit Mick! What happened?”

Mickey scoffed. “Fell. Could go over that shit easy peasy before.”

“Mick, are you fucking high?”

Mickey scoffed again. “High, low and all fucking over.”

“Fuck.” Ian muttered. He took off his jacket and placed it around Mickey’s shoulders. All Mickey was wearing was a ratty old sweater that definitely came from someone else.

“You look like Ian.” Mickey whispered. His eyes were glazed and pupils dilated but he was definitely looking at Ian.

“Been looking all over for your ass, Mick.”

Mickey scoffed. “Yeah, you’re not Ian. Ian would never look for me.”

Ian frowned. “How come?”

“Doesn’t even like me.”

“How’d you figure that?”

“He broke up with me.” Mickey’s eyes grew comically wide and he suddenly placed a clumsy hand over Ian’s mouth. “Don’t tell anyone or I’ll twist your kneecaps.”

If Ian didn’t feel like they were on the verge of a huge emotional revelation, he would have been laughing his ass off right now. Mickey was high as fuck on god knows what and Ian didn’t even know if he’s manic or whatever shit right now.

“You weren’t even in a relationship, how could he break up with you?” Ian asked.

Mickey frowned. “Yes we were.”

“You were?”

Mickey nodded, and then stopped. It looked like the movement gave him a headache.

“How can you say you were together when everything was behind closed doors?”

Mickey frowned again. “I kissed him! Dammit. I fucking kissed him. I’ve never kissed anyone before. Never. And the only reason why didn’t want to kiss him before is I was scared that the kiss will be shitty cause it’s not something I go out and do all the fucking time.”

“Oh.”

“And if the simple fucking act of kissing is already _that_ hard for me, how fucking impossible will all the shit that comes next be? Hand holding? The cuddling? The fucking talking? It’s all step by fucking step and it ain’t my fucking fault that sex is easier for me than all that sappy crap. And if Ian woulda been a bit more patient with my ass, then he woulda gotten everything he needed cause, come closer,” Mickey pulls Ian’s shirt towards him, “lemme tell you a fucking secret.”

Ian nodded.

“I ain’t never had a girlfriend before. SSSHHH!!”

“Never?”

Mickey shook his head. “Nope. And when it came to Ian, I wanted shit to be fucking perfect but I guess that’s my own damn fault for- I’m gonna take a nap.” Mickey fell asleep against Ian.

Dammit Mickey.

~

It was a long walk but Ian was finally able to haul Mickey’s butt to the Milkovich house.

“Mandy!” Ian yelled. But no one answered. He sighed and dragged Mickey into his room and gently placed him on the bed.

They slept in the dugout for a bit until the sun started rising. When they didn’t have the darkness to cover for them anymore, Ian decided to bring Mickey home.

Ian sat on the side of the bed and looked at Mickey.

Mickey wasn’t sleeping after all.

“Mickey?”

“Shut the fuck up.” Mickey weakly whispered.

“Mick, it’s Ian.” Ian almost rolled his eyes but considering their conversation the night before, Ian felt like he needed to introduce himself. “I just- I know everything now, Mick. I mean, you shoulda told me before but at least, now I know.”

Mickey’s face remained the same.

Ian sighed and moved off the bed to sit on the floor so his eyes are at the same level with Mickey’s. “I thought you didn’t want the world to know you were with me. I thought you wanted to keep me your dirty little secret cause you were ashamed of me. But now I know. Now I understand you better, Mick.”

Ian kept silent, in hopes that Mickey will reply.

A few minutes passed and silence was all he got.

“I don’t know if you can hear me Mick but I promise, I fucking promise, I’ll be more patient with you this time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a million years, I finally manage to finish this.


End file.
